what if I jump

Sometimes when I take to the edge
and taste the cold beat of oblivion in my mouth
I have to soften the urge to leap
dilute the impulsivity inside of me
with lies that tell me that this is enough
I've named it the call of the void
it is the electricity between your hands and the steering wheel
that hums and buzzes telling you to see what would happen if you swerved
it is the appetite for destruction when your toes curl over a ledge
testing out the theory of "what if"
what if you jumped.
It is not a suicidal thought
but it is far from curiosity also.
It is the urge to heave glass against a wall
just to feel the power of knowing you can shatter.
Yet it is also a truth we must suppress
no one talks about it, but we know we've all tasted it
And I know I am not alone in receiving
this calling card from chaos.

-anna sluder 

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